


graceless fall

by inflame



Series: tainted feathers [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Brazil Fling (Haikyuu!!), Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, but make it Atsumu, mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 14:41:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30107532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inflame/pseuds/inflame
Summary: Miya Atsumu arrives in Brazil.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu
Series: tainted feathers [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2215452
Comments: 7
Kudos: 59





	graceless fall

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is the first installation of my year-long atsuhina series, and it's going to have three parts! It may be a bumpy ride, but I assure you, it's guaranteed to end on a good note (you have my word). 
> 
> **Warning:** This specific part is heavy on **angst** , and focuses on coping with a break-up. It dwells on loneliness and the difficulty of moving on so, please keep this in mind before you start reading.
> 
>  **Explicit Content:** It's mostly rated t, but it does include **one** explicit part. In case you want to skip, once you reach "Idiot, Atsumu," stop scrolling, press ctrl+f and type "After a week or two,".

◀☼◀

Atsumu never should have followed his brother's advice. 

But then again, Osamu never gave him the option to back out of this so-called 'vacation trip'. He quite literally shoved the ticket into his hands, packed his bags into the back of his truck, and drove him to the airport. Atsumu did win that ticket from a random raffle in the supermarket, he did intend to visit Brazil sometime during his break from MSBY Black Jackals, but he did not expect that his beloved twin would haul his butt into the next flight leaving for São Paulo. 

In retrospect, he thinks that it would be better this way since he was bored and kept on nagging Osamu, trying to help in Onigiri Miya, but in actuality he was just making a mess, failing to do basic delivery, and ruining every onigiri his hands try to make ('What's there to screw up?' Osamu once told him. 'It's just rice and preserved plum!'). Atsumu thinks that his brother made the right choice of just sending him to a foreign country rather than continuously being at the receiving end of his wrath. He may have to deal with this alone, having zero experience in traveling solo, but at least his life is spared. Atsumu sighs and wonders what the universe had in mind when they decided to give the Miya family twins. Perhaps they saw this coming and wanted Atsumu to pay for the transgressions he made in his past life.

No, there _was_ a reason why Osamu had to do this, and frankly, Atsumu can’t blame him for it. And so, he tightens his grip on the handle of his suitcase and braves through the bustling crowd just outside the airport. _It's just seven days,_ he thinks. _I’ve survived worse. Barely, but I can definitely survive for seven days, right?_

After getting lost for about thirty minutes because of miscommunication with the cab driver, he rethinks his statement. He did mention the hotel's name, 'Vila Paulista', to the driver, but perhaps the man behind the wheel heard something else and brought him to the beachfront full of merriment, which is the last thing he needs. What he needs is a hot shower, clean sheets and sleep to remove the awful jet lag and incoming headache he can feel coming. He watches the distant sun sink into the sea, asking the heavens if he could drown with it. _I definitely won't survive for seven days._ He sits down by the cemented path, sighing and dropping his head into his hands. _How bad must have I been in my past life to receive this sort of punishment?_

He thinks back to all the challenges he faced without his brother, facing the world and its nightmare-like reality all by himself. Atsumu can think of just one, and it was the time when he was training in Osaka with other Black Jackal teammates. He had a pretty bad fall, not too horrible that it required much attention and rest, but still. Atsumu would consider that as the first thing he’s ever had to deal with alone. He will confirm, however, that he called Osamu right after checking in with the physician, but despite that, he is quite proud of patching up his foot all by himself. Whether or not he teared up as a full-grown twenty-one year old, that will remain between him and the deities watching from above. In the present, he shakes the fatigue out of him and stands up from where he was seated in. He stretches his torso and remembers the English lessons he took back in high school. He practices his intonation, diction, vocabulary, every single thing he deemed unnecessary a few years ago, and shifted his weight and faced the person beside him.

Just as he approaches the woman wearing a large brim hat to ask 'Where's Vila Paulista?', he hears a loud shriek behind him. He turns around and spots a young man, tanned and muscular with a large backpack behind him and a bike at his side. Atsumu tilts his head, staring back at the smaller figure wearing a plain muscle tee and cap in front of him. He reads the cap and recognizes the brand belonging back home. _Japanese!_ he thinks at first. Maybe he knew Atsumu as a famous volleyball player. Maybe a fan spotted him and now he's saved. But this thought quickly disintegrates as soon as the young man removes the cap. He instantly remembers that shade of orange, that kind of smile, those eyes that rival the sun. 

He is Miya Atsumu, aged seventeen, born with a purpose and a promise. He remembers the shine of the lights, almost blinding him as he stepped into the match. He remembers the dirty white hue of the net, separating him and the opponents, nobody if not for the setter, he initially told himself. He remembers the set, the final one to Osamu, perfect and flawless. Until it was blocked by the makers, the two who forged their skills and talents around such a move. He remembers the sound of the ball making contact with the floor, just a few inches away from the white outline of the court. He remembers the sweat cascading from his temples down to his chin. He remembers Karasuno's middle blocker. He remembers his name and the vow he proclaimed. He remembers. He is Miya Atsumu, aged twenty-one, and standing right smack in front of him is —

"Hinata Shouyou," He whispers. 

"Miya!" Hinata exclaims. "Miya Atsumu!" 

"The one and only," Atsumu says as he sighs into a smile.

"What are you doing here, Miya-san?" Hinata reaches for his hand. 

He willingly gives it. "Uh, vacation. But, the fun hasn't started yet."

"Eh?" Hinata lets go of his hand.

"I, uh, got lost," Atsumu turns sheepish.

"Oh! Good thing I ran into you, huh?" Hinata beams. "Where are you supposed to stay?"

Atsumu shows him the itinerary, and Hinata moves closer beside him. He is a little too close, almost brushing his shoulder against Atsumu's, almost giving the lost tourist a heart attack from being within close proximity.

"Oh!" Hinata finally says. "I know where that is, and it's not too far from here."

"Thank god," Atsumu exhales. "You think you could bring me there?"

Hinata brings out his phone and starts typing. Then he looks up at Atsumu.

"Just texted my roommate I will come home a little later than usual. Don't worry!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I never meant to - " Atsumu stutters.

Hinata shakes his head, the sunlight bouncing off his hair. "No! Please, it's no problem at all."

"Thank you again." 

Hinata scratches his head and looks far away before he tells Atsumu, "Shall we?"

▶☀▶

The skies are dark back in Japan. They are preparing for the fall, gathering the clouds together to cover up the sun. It really does set the mood, he thinks, as he waits for his twin. The rain trickles down the edges of the roof where people continue to wait for their persons whom they will pick up. The pitter-patter of the raindrops begin to fasten, growing deafening by the second and Osamu has to step back a bit in order to shade himself from the rain. He hugs himself, rubbing both of his arms, sometimes tiptoe-ing to see whether Atsumu has already arrived. After a few minutes or so, he spots the bleached hair first, then notices his brother’s face positioned down, staring at his feet. Osamu calls him, louder and louder for him to hear, almost losing the battle to the rain. Atsumu looks up, gives a tired smile, and waves weakly. It was as if he was dragging his feet towards Osamu, dreading to even come home. Osamu knows, _knows_ , that it is exactly what Atsumu is feeling. It breaks his heart, seeing his brother in a worse condition than when he left for Brazil. Osamu tries to offer a smile.

“Welcome back, ‘Tsumu.” Osamu greets.

Atsumu sighs. “It’s good to be back, I guess. I mean, it’s good to see you ‘Samu.”

“Shut up,” Osamu jokes. Atsumu does.

Osamu bites the inside of his lip and offers to carry Atsumu’s luggage. Atsumu willingly hands him the handle, and they both move towards the direction of the truck, walking side by side as they share one umbrella.

“Just like we were kids,” Atsumu comments, often having to use his umbrella for the two of them since Osamu often forgot his.

Osamu can only give him a weak chuckle. 

The drive back home is deafeningly silent. Osamu does not even bother turning the radio on, even if he knows that is the solution to the awkwardness brewing inside the truck. Atsumu notices and asks.

“Hey, why won’t you turn the radio on?”

“Don’t feel like it,” Osamu simply answers.

“Liar,” Atsumu chuckles. “I don’t mind. It’s fine.”

Osamu swallows and changes the subject. "How was the flight?"

There was doubt, hesitance in his voice. Like one question can break Atsumu. And it can, he just has to find the right, or in this case, wrong words to string together. But he won't, no matter how much of a pain his brother can be, Atsumu is his twin and he can't bear to see him hurt.

"Long, and tiring," Atsumu barely whispers.

"Was the food good?"

"No, no it wasn't." 

Osamu nods.

Atsumu speaks again. "I'm okay, 'Samu, really. Don't you worry about me. I can handle it."

Osamu nods again, barely keeping in the tears.

"Wait, why are you tearing up?" Atsumu asks, pushing himself up from the passenger seat, looking curiously at his twin who wipes his tears with his sleeve.

Osamu does not answer so Atsumu begins again. “If anything, I should be the one crying.”

“I know, ‘Tsumu,” Osamu interrupts, sniffing. “I know, but you won’t. Why won’t you?”

“Because,” Atsumu trails off. He has no reason.

“I know you won’t, but I know it’s killing you inside.” His brother tells him.

Atsumu stays silent until he begins to chuckle. He chuckles, every exhale thick with suffering, like it is such an effort to even exhale, even breathe, even do the most basic things. His eyes suddenly begin to blur as tears pool near his eyelashes. He blinks and lets go of the things he was holding in. Osamu does not dare to turn to Atsumu sobbing loudly against the window, his elbow resting on the edge of the door, his head leaning on his arm. He just keeps his eyes on the road, red and wet, and says not a word more during the ride.

◀☼◀

Hinata was right about the hotel being a few blocks away from the beachfront. They entered a small alley and turned left on the second block, then another left, and there it was, Vila Paulista, in all of its glory. Atsumu had to physically hold himself from falling to his knees from exhaustion. At the entrance, he turns again to Hinata, who looks at him expectantly.

"Well," He begins. "Thank you so much for helping me. You really saved me."

"Oh, no problem!"

"Is there any way I could repay my debt? Take you out for dinner tomorrow?"

Hinata's face turns a shade warmer. Atsumu then realizes that he just asked Hinata Shouyou out on a date.

"Wait n-no, that's- that's not what I meant," He defends but Hinata smirks.

"Ah, dinner sounds great, Miya-san." Hinata finally responds with a smile.

"Please call me Atsumu," Atsumu says as he extends his hand.

"Shouyou, then," Hinata holds out his hand and they share a handshake. "And I know how you could repay me if you don't mind me suggesting."

"What is it?"

"Do you mind maybe playing a little beach volleyball just before we get dinner?" Hinata grows shy.

Atsumu chuckles. "Is that why you're here then? To practice beach volleyball?"

Hinata nods enthusiastically.

"I don't mind it at all," Atsumu turns his back. "I'll see you later, Shouyou-kun." 

"I guess you'll get to do what you promised me back then!"

Atsumu freezes. He turns around just as Hinata is about to ride his bike. Hinata catches his confusion.

"I never forgot, if you're wondering," He says as he rides his bike and flies away from the scene, just as the sky was about to get darker, just as Atsumu was about to turn a bright shade of red. Atsumu quickly settles in and gets into the shower to wipe off that stupid and idiotic grin his face is constantly forming. 

_He remembers. He remembers._

After taking a long shower, he reaches for his phone and checks the timezone in Hyogo. _Calling your twin brother at eight in the morning is not such a bad idea, right?_ He dials Osamu’s number as he dries off the excess water from his hair. It starts ringing and ends with a groggy voice cursing Atsumu.

“Good morning, 'Samu!” Atsumu greets as if he is not battling a harsh case of jet lag already.

“Shut up,” Osamu says but follows it up with, “Don’t you have a headache?”

“I do, but suddenly I’m in a great mood.”

“Picked someone up already? Good for you,” Osamu says while some rustling noise can be heard in the background.

“What? No! Well,” Atsumu trails off. “Not-not necessarily.”

“Huh?" 

“I saw Shouyou-kun!” He whispers into the phone.

“Oh,” Osamu exclaims in a yawn. “Yeah, I heard he’s training beach volleyball there.”

Atsumu turns silent at the other end of the line.

“How the hell did you know?” Atsumu starts. “And why didn’t you tell me?”

“I thought you knew,” Osamu defends. “But Rin chanced upon a news article about him and sent me a screenshot of it.” 

“Fine, I’ll let you off this time.”

“You always do, 'Tsumu.”

“Are you being ungrateful?”

“No sir, no sir. So, how did you ask out-”

"I did not ask him out!"

"Fine, how did you _accidentally_ ask Hinata Shouyou out?"

Atsumu sighs but then begins to tell his story like a fairytale. He can imagine his twin brother rolling his eyes from the grandiosity of his story-telling but grinning since Atsumu is beginning to have fun in Brazil. Atsumu will probably never hear the end of it, the fact that Osamu made the right choice of forcing him to take a vacation. He won't hold a grudge against his twin, he concludes. São Paulo is a beautiful city. Atsumu's just not quite sure whether he made this realization before or after he met Hinata again after three years.

"So," Osamu cuts in. "Big day tomorrow, huh? I'm sure you had your itinerary packed but once Shouyou-kun appeared, you're suddenly free as a bird?"

"Shut up," Atsumu blushes. "I don't have plans to begin with. You shipped me off the moment I won."

"You're right. So you'll be busy with Shouyou-kun for the remaining five days you're there then?"

Atsumu lies down on his clean sheets and tries to find the perfect position in preparation for slumber.

_He sure hopes so._ "I mean, I hope but I won't expect anything."

"You never got over him, did you?" Osamu whispers like a secret (because it is, and he swore that he will never tell another soul about this).

"Mm," Atsumu turns and puts his weight to his side. "Shut up, 'Samu."

"Guess that answers my question," Osamu tells himself as he laughs quietly. "Good night 'Tsumu."

▶☀▶

Finally at home, he slowly crawls into the sheets, fresh from the shower, his hair still damp and wet. He yawns and bids goodbye to the other two people living in his shared apartment. Osamu turns to Suna beside him with a worried look. Suna sighs and drops his head. He pats Osamu's back and they close the door. Atsumu closes his eyes, wondering if his bed was this soft back in that small hotel room in São Paulo. In the dark, he remembers. In the dark, he dreams. Or at least he hopes he would.

_He is running in a dark alley. His feet feel light as if he never had limbs in the first place. He looks down and sees he is actually running barefoot yet he cannot feel any pain. His heart is beating extremely hard as if he was running away from something his heart told him to be afraid of. It's nearly pitch black, and he's all alone, not a single person in sight. He finds himself at a center of an intersecting road. It's a deserted area with looming skyscrapers, almost caging him. A strong gust of wind suddenly appears and he is almost blown away. Before he is completely engulfed by such, he hears multiple voices whispering what seemed to be threats. Atsumu, never look back, one said. Atsumu, don't you dare close your eyes, another murmured. Atsumu, we're watching you, another mumbles. Suddenly he hears a familiar voice, a voice he is desperately trying to get away from. He hears a taunt, a familiar one, told by a man who received Atsumu's all but, he was never enough for him. In the end, Atsumu was left like a fool, with one sentence tattooed that he hears grow louder and louder as he is pushed back by the raging breeze._

◀☼◀

Atsumu wakes up, blinking at the ceiling. He remembers the trip, the fact that he is in Brazil, the fact that he met Hinata again, the fact that he will be playing with Hinata in a few hours. He smiles as he continues to think of something happy, something in the shape of a Japanese delivery boy that smiles so innocently, that reels Atsumu's whole body in without even having to touch him. He smiles and sighs. _It has been a while._

He closes his eyes and recalls Hinata's tanned skin, his muscles sculpted by grace, time, and effort. He sees his shortened hair, less of a mess, his face framed by his curls perfectly. Atsumu didn't think it was possible for Hinata Shouyou to become the way that he is now, but he's glad that Brazil surprised him in lots of different ways, from the sweltering heat to the extent of miscommunication, to the reunion he had not anticipated for. It's a gift from the heavens he thinks he deserves. Before he falls again from deep sleep, his phone starts to ring. _Of course,_ he curses himself. _I forgot to turn that damn alarm off._ Atsumu removes the covers and stretches beside his bed, overlooking the pool and the great landscape his windows had allowed him to see. Maybe he'll get that breakfast after all.

Atsumu realizes, as he sits at the edge of his bed after breakfast, all prepared for the day and beach volleyball, that he has no way of contacting Hinata, and has no idea where they'll meet. He slaps his forehead. He contemplates whether he will be needing to message Kageyama first to get Hinata's number. Just as he searches for Kageyama's name in his contacts, the hotel telephone begins to ring. He picks it up and it is the front desk officer from the reception area, telling him that a man is looking for him. When he hears the man's voice, it seems that Hinata is already one step ahead of him.

"Atsumu!" He greets. "I'm sorry, I forgot to ask for your phone number." 

"Hi," Atsumu puts the telephone closer despite Hinata's deafening voice. "Yeah, I just remembered right now I forgot to ask for yours. I was about to ask Kageyama."

Hinata snorts. "He doesn't know my number."

"He doesn't?"

"Nope. So again, I saved you from mindlessly walking around trying to find me?"

"You're my savior, I guess, Shouyou-kun."

Hinata stays silent until he begins to giggle.

"Alright, well, meet me in the lobby and I'll bring you to the beach." 

"Then we'll play beach volleyball?"

"Then we'll play beach volleyball," Hinata confirms and drops the call.

One last look in the mirror and Atsumu quickly leaves his room, escaping the gloomy atmosphere he knows damn well will be there when he comes back at night. He discovers that sunshine can find its place in the lobby despite the window walls shaded by cream-colored blinds. He discovers that sunshine incarnate can find his place right beside him as they walk side by side towards the beach.

▶☀▶

Atsumu wakes up panting, clutching his chest. He cradles his head in his hands, his fingers combing through damp strands. He turns to the side and sees that it is already seven in the morning. He ought to get breakfast, but after another heavy night, after his brain decides to play tricks on him and leave horrid memories, he decides to skip and pulls the covers towards him. He stares at the ceiling, still worried that if he closes his eyes, he might still see that figure telling him the same thing over and over again like before, like a few months ago by the beach, they both loved. Atsumu still does, like the foolish boy that he is, so he tries to bury this fact in the deepest part of his brain and desperately tries to think of something else, something happy.

The sun beams through shades of his room, and Atsumu watches the rays reach the tray of food on his small coffee table. A small note is attached to it. _Eat. You need it,_ it said with Osamu's terrible handwriting.

Atsumu stands up and closes the blinds, the darkness finally overcrowding the room, and returns back to his bed, leaving the food again untouched. He skipped meals for almost two days now, and simply sleeps and bathes at night. He watches his blinds shifting and moving with the draft of the air conditioning unit, and small rays escape into his room. It is as if _he_ was following him here, begging him to never forget. Or, Atsumu thinks, it is the sun’s way of mocking him, reminding him that he will always be the fool who falls.

I guess he wins again today, Atsumu tells himself as he goes back to sleep.

◀☼◀

Miya Atsumu is not made for beach volleyball. He finally confirms this fact as Atsumu falls for the nth time face-first into the sand. He is almost convinced that Hinata wants him to eat sand, as payback for Nationals where Inarizaki won against Karasuno. But then Hinata would always offer his hand, asking Atsumu to try again. And again, and again. As the sun sets, and as soon as the people vacate the beach, only then was Atsumu able to jump, setting the ball to Hinata finally earning a point for their team. His promise is fulfilled as the sun bids goodbye to the crowd, and night falls upon the entirety of São Paulo. They lose against the brothers Hinata always played with, and Atsumu pays for the brothers' dinner.

"Tomorrow again?" One of the brothers asked. "You'll pay for dinner?"

Atsumu understands and shakes his head. 

"No, we'll win," He says in English.

The brothers wave and disappear into the crowd. Hinata pulls Atsumu closer to him.

"You're a fast learner! I wasn't able to set when I first set foot on the sand."

“Well, how long did it take you?”

“Two weeks.”

Atsumu turns bright red. Hinata is still holding onto his arm. 

“That’s,” Atsumu gulps. “That’s not too bad.”

Hinata smirks.

"Ah, I just have a great teacher," He manages to say. “That’s why I was able to do it on the first try.”

Hinata lightly slaps his back. "Come on, I'm starving. I'll pay."

"No, wait, I'm the one who-"

Hinata raises his hand to stop Atsumu.

"I asked you to play, and your face is still a bit scratched up, so I feel bad," He reasons. "You can pay for dinner tomorrow."

Atsumu raises one eyebrow. "We'll have dinner tomorrow?"

Hinata nods. "And the day after that as well so you have lots of chances to pay for my meal."

Atsumu turns a shade darker than he already was. 

They settle onto their table, watching Hinata call the waiter so he could order for the both of them. _I am going to be busy with Shouyou-kun for the remaining five days,_ Atsumu thinks as he watches Hinata speak Portuguese. Unbeknownst to him, he has been staring at Hinata, mesmerized with his whole physique, only realizing when Hinata waves at him, calling out to him. 

“Sorry, I spaced out,” Atsumu apologizes.

“Why?” Hinata asks, innocently.

_Do you really have to ask?_ “I just wondered what you ordered for us.”

“Ah!” Hinata laughs as he moves his stool closer to Atsumu, slapping his forehead as if he was expecting another answer. "This restaurant serves the best _Churrascarias,_ so I just had to take you here. Plus it's just a few steps away from where we played so it’s perfect."

Atsumu nods and watches Hinata become more animated as he begins his story with his journey to Brazil, when he began playing beach volleyball, when he lost his wallet and thankfully saw an upperclassman again who then treated him out for dinner. He had a rather complicated experience here, and Atsumu just had to ask.

“Didn’t you wish that maybe, you should have stayed in Japan?”

When Hinata does not reply instantly, Atsumu realizes how blunt that question was and starts apologizing. Hinata puts his hand up as if to say it was alright and that he was going to answer it anyway.

“I did. Many times, actually. But then again, I would always have that what-if bugging me in my mind. What if I did this, what if I did that, and it’s just endless and a fruitless battle with that mean voice in my head. So I just _did_ it, and I like where it has taken me so far.”

Hinata smiles as Atsumu nods along.

“Plus, I get to meet you here, which is great,” Hinata follows.

“I think we would meet earlier if you did end up staying back at home.”

Hinata shakes his head. “No, no I don’t think so. ‘Cos I’d be still tied to-”

“Kageyama?”

“Miyagi,” Hinata replies. “I’ll always be tied to that king no matter where I go. Like a soulmate.”

“Kageyama’s your soulmate?”

“No, no I think he’s more like a forever rival. I think I’m soulmates with someone else.” Hinata confidently says.

Atsumu nods again, and the food arrives then. After finishing a few plates, Hinata orders lime and vodka and asks if Atsumu would like some.

"I don't drink," Atsumu apologizes. "Sorry, Shouyou-kun."

"It's alright! I'll just have a little so I can still make it home," Hinata smirks.

Atsumu almost offers Hinata to stay with him in his room since it is closer. He decides against it because he fears that Hinata would misunderstand it. It's been three years since they've interacted and Atsumu shouldn't assume that Hinata would agree. 

"You've done this before?" Atsumu blurts out. Hinata stares at him in response.

"I mean, I'm just worried you won't reach your house."

Hinata nods. "It's just ten minutes away from your hotel." 

Atsumu sighs in relief. "Let me take you home, then." 

"You sure you won't get lost?" 

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Then can I order one more?"

Atsumu chuckles. "As long as you can handle it."

Hinata ends up drinking three glasses of lime and vodka. He turns a bright shade of red and almost slurs every single word that escapes his lips. Atsumu laughs along as Hinata divulges stories about his stay in Brazil, his roommate Pedro, and the first time he got yelled at for delivering the wrong pizza. Hinata exponentially grows sweeter, fonder with every drink, and Atsumu cannot help but rest his chin on his hand as he watches Hinata become more animated, his gestures growing larger and larger, his laugh growing boisterous Atsumu has to look around if anyone would be bothered by it, but it seems no one did, actually. After a while, Hinata stops talking abruptly and points to the speakers at the corner.

"It's time!" Hinata exclaims. 

Just then, almost every single customer in that restaurant bar stands up and begins to move to an area just a few steps away from where they were seated in. Their bodies begin to correspond to the music slowly rising in volume. Others put their arms around another individual, some choose to dance alone. Hinata turns to him and gives him a look and then tilts his head towards the direction of what seems to be the dance floor. _Do you want to dance?_ Atsumu shoots back his answer. _I'm good, you can dance if you want._ Atsumu then watches Hinata join in with the crowd, as he still needs time to get used to this culture and this Hinata in São Paulo.

Hinata begins swaying his hips as the beat begins to fasten until the beat drops where he throws his hands, arms and begins jumping, face remaining peaceful. He feels the tune throughout his whole body, blood flowing to the beat of the loudspeakers. He runs his fingers through his hair, pushing it back, already damp. His hands trail down to his neck until he reaches his waist where he stops and raises his hands up again, and the music grows faster. His waist never stops moving to and fro, fluid-like, as if it was _made_ to dance to this beat, to this song, in this vibrant night, in front of Atsumu. 

Atsumu watches the whole thing unfold, tapping his legs with every beat, his eyes never straying away from Hinata's motions, all flushed and drenched. _He's beautiful._ He gulps and wipes the trickling sweat at his temples, stretching out his leg sideways as Hinata looks at him intently, his eyes calling him to join him. He remains seated, unsure and doubtful even if the whole universe wants to stand up. Then, Hinata extends his index finger as his torso continues to swing. _You._ He bends it towards him twice. _I want you._

Hypnotized, Atsumu stands up and joins in, closing his eyes as he feels a pair of arms placed atop his shoulder, swaying to the slower, more sultry song that came right up. He opens his eyes and finds Hinata staring at him, smiling. Atsumu holds onto Hinata's waist and, as if on cue, begins to move from side to side slowly, shifting his weight like waves hitting the surface of the sea. They stay like that until the end, where everyone claps and calls it a night. Atsumu never knew that the night could get a lot hotter than the day (It really didn't).

Hinata successfully climbs the stairs towards his apartment, slurring and singing beside Atsumu. Atsumu laughs along until he points to Hinata's door. 

"Here you are."

"Here I am," Hinata replies.

Hinata doesn't enter just yet and maintains his eye contact with Atsumu.

"Is there something on my face?" Atsumu quickly asks while touching his cheeks, checking if there are remnants of their dinner right smack on his profile.

Hinata laughs and holds onto Atsumu's waist, tiptoes and kisses him at the corner of his mouth. Atsumu turns a bright shade of red, stuttering and asking Hinata what that was for.

"No, no you didn't have anything on your face," Hinata whispers. He puts his key in and unlocks the door. "Good night, Atsumu."

"Yeah," Atsumu manages. "See you tomorrow." 

After Hinata enters his apartment, Atsumu walks back to his hotel, confused, embarrassed for missing the signs he could have noticed to make the first move, overjoyed to know what it feels like to _almost_ kiss Hinata Shouyou. He skips like a child on the cemented pavements, wishing that no one will see him act silly before he meets Hinata again tomorrow. Atsumu makes sure to tell Osamu the events that have transpired. He does, and Osamu snorts at his cluelessness. 

▶☀▶

"'Tsumu, it's been three days. Eat something," Osamu pleads as he sits at the edge of Atsumu's bed. There are multiple trays on the coffee table beside his bed and Atsumu just covers himself more.

"I'm not hungry, 'Samu,” He murmurs under the sheets.

"I'll tell mom you won't eat her food."

Atsumu sits up in fear. "She's here?"

"She sent me her recipe. Now eat."

Atsumu returns to his bed and is almost ready to cover himself until Osamu physically stops his hand from pulling his blanket and holds him down. Osamu groans having to do this but he restrains his twin and forces to feed him a spoon of ochazuke.

"Chew, I'm done playing nice," Osamu threatens.

After a few more bites, Atsumu pushes the spoon away and sits upright.

"Okay, okay, I'll eat," Atsumu says with his hands raised. Osamu hands him the spoon and he begins to eat for the first time in a while. 

"It's good,” Atsumu comments.

“Of course it is, dummy.”

“You really got her recipe?" Atsumu asks. “Did you bribe her?” 

"No just told her that 'drastic times call for drastic measures'," Osamu smiles at him. Atsumu does not return it and reverts back to eating the ochazuke.

After a few minutes of silence, Osamu tells him the one thing he has been trying to tell him since he came back to Hyogo.

“Hey, you’ll be okay.”

“For some reason, I have a hard time believing you.”

“It would seem like it won’t get better, but it will,” Osamu rubs his back.

Atsumu merely nods and proceeds to swallow a spoonful of the home-cooked meal his brother prepared for him.

"You'll find someone new, ‘Tsumu," Osamu barely whispers but Atsumu catches on instantly.

"That's the thing, 'Samu," Atsumu begins. "I don't want to. I want him."

Osamu bites his lower lip before he asks, "Only him?" 

Atsumu puts down the bowl and sighs, dropping his head into his hands.

◀☼◀

Atsumu meets Hinata near the beachfront again. Against the prideful sun, Hinata holds his hand out, ready for Atsumu to take. It was as if he has been doing so ever since this trip began. Hinata calling him, reaching out to him, telling him to come closer, closer, for he is still so far away. Hinata pulls his arm and they begin entering the shallow waters. It’s cold, freezing even, but the warmth of the sky and his smile keeps Atsumu from shivering. Bravely, he wades through the water with Hinata.

Hinata, with his playful nature, begins to splash water towards Atsumu, and the other counterattacks. They begin splashing more and more, until Hinata hurls himself towards Atsumu, with Atsumu barely catching him before he hits the water face first. In his arms, Hinata looks up and there it is again, pleading for Atsumu to come closer even if he already is. Atsumu, deciding to be brave, leans in and plants a kiss right on Hinata’s lips. Hinata puts his weight against Atsumu and deepens the kiss, holding onto his back to keep him afloat. They kiss until Atsumu moves back to breathe. He senses Hinata’s lingering stare, the latter biting his lower lip, asking for more.

“You’ve got something on your eyelashes,” Atsumu shivers.

Hinata stops and giggles, putting his face against Atsumu’s chest.

“Is that why you kissed me? Because I’ve got something on my eyelashes?”

“Uh,” Atsumu thinks as they stay afloat, faces remaining just a few centimeters away. “Yeah.”

“Idiot, Atsumu,” Hinata sings, putting every emphasis on the syllables of the word. He playfully looks away, pretending to sulk. But he turns again to Atsumu, leaning into his ear, “Do it again.”

And Atsumu follows. He kisses him, hungrier, more eager to slam his lips against Hinata’s. Their breathing grows heavier and heavier, with Hinata constantly sliding his hand against Atsumu’s crotch underwater. Atsumu finally understands and pulls Hinata out of the water as they laugh as they run towards Vila Paulista. 

All drenched and hard, they ignore the looks from the reception area. They reach the elevator and Atsumu pushes the button to his floor. He turns again to Hinata and finds solace at Hinata’s nape. Hinata moans as Atsumu’s mouth begins licking and sucking his bare skin. Before he could hike up Hinata’s leg and place it at his waist, the elevator dings and they rush out. Atsumu no longer remembers how he got his card key, how he inserted it in the slot, but he does recall them stumbling into his room, smirking, breathing hard.

Their lips meet again and glide, thirsty for more. Hinata pulls Atsumu closer, pushing himself against the door. Their lips slot around, eager to explore more areas they have yet to see. A tongue meets Atsumu’s lips and he opens eagerly. As the kiss begins to deepen and harden, their tongues dance, and Atsumu holds onto the back of Hinata’s thighs and lifts him up. Without leaving each other’s lips, Atsumu drops him onto the bed, absent from any kind of grace. Hinata doesn’t mind as he strips off his muscle tee, Atsumu pulls off his shirt and begins kissing Hinata’s chest, moving downwards as he pulls down Hinata’s shorts. Hinata chokes and groans as Atsumu continues to kiss his entirety, starting to take him in whole. Hinata cries out his name, trying to silence himself with the back of his hand. Atsumu, seeing this, reaches and pulls his hand away, interlocking his fingers with Hinata’s. _Don’t._ Atsumu’s eyes warn. _I want to hear you._ Hinata whimpers against his touch as he begins again. 

Once he has made him hard, Atsumu undoes his shorts and pulls Hinata closer to him, near the edge of the sheets. Hinata lifts his legs, thighs against his chest.

“Tell me what you want, Shouyou,” Atsumu asks.

 _Come closer, closer, closer._ “Fuck me, Atsumu.”

Atsumu reaches for his bedside table and pulls out the bottle. He coats his fingers and begins to prod his finger at Hinata’s entrance. Hinata sucks in his breath. Atsumu begins to push in and pull back, until he puts in a second, and a third. By the third, Hinata begs him.

“Atsumu, please,” He tells Atsumu, eyes watering. “I won’t last any longer.”

Atsumu removes his fingers and places himself at Hinata’s center. As he sinks into him, Hinata groans against Atsumu, who has already closed his eyes, filled with too much ecstasy. He begins to move forward, gaining speed with every motion. Hinata grinds against him, his legs pushing Atsumu’s back closer to him.

“You’re,” Atsumu pants. “You’re driving me crazy.”

“It was intentional,” Hinata reaches for the sheets at his sides. “Don’t stop.”

After a few more movements, Atsumu separates himself from Hinata, coming instantly on Hinata’s stomach. Hinata follows soon after. Atsumu falls onto Hinata, ignoring the mess they have made. Hinata wraps his arms around Atsumu. _Come closer, don’t fly away,_ his arms seem to say.

“Stay for the night,” Atsumu whispers.

Hinata kisses his forehead. “I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

Atsumu smiles and they drift to sleep.

▶☀▶

After a week or two, Atsumu begins going to the gym. He calls back his coach to say he’s going back after the vacation leave he took. He feels good again, feels closer to what he was before he went to Brazil. He begins to eat again, even starts cooking his own food, amusing both Osamu and Suna. They pat his back, and he finally joins them for dinner and sometimes even goes home for lunch.

He feels good.

He is welcomed by his teammates with a warm hug and a small cake to celebrate his return. He begins to smile again. And he means it too. He acknowledges the pain, the pleasure, and he thanks _him_ in his mind. He reverts to his old routine. He begins helping again in Onigiri Miya and he does his job well. He says hello to old women who are regulars at the store. He works hard again, lifting weights, listening to the music he loves.

He feels good.

He goes home one night to find both Osamu and Suna looking at the telephone. He removes his earphones and inspects the couple. He looks at them then at the phone, then back at them.

“Is there something wrong with our telephone?”

Suna was about to open his mouth, but Osamu stopped him. “Don’t you dare tell him.”

“Tell me what?” Atsumu asks.

The two do not respond. Atsumu chuckles emptily.

“Come on, what is it?”

Suna barely whispers but he can hear it loud and clear.

“He called.”

Like the fool that he is, Atsumu asks. “Who’s ‘he’?”

All it took was Osamu’s look of regret and Atsumu drops his things on the floor, followed by his body.

“He called?” He mimics. “Well, what did he say?”

Suna cautiously looks back at Osamu who stares at him intently.

“I deleted it,” Osamu starts.

Atsumu quickly stands up. “What?”

“I deleted it,” He repeated.

“‘Samu, why? Why would you?” Atsumu tries to contain his anger. Osamu does not answer so Atsumu holds him by his collar. Suna stands and puts his hand on Atsumu’s arm.

“It wouldn’t be good for you.”

“And since when did you have the gall to decide for me?” Atsumu demands.

“‘Tsumu, you barely ate, barely slept when you returned. When you hear him again, you might go back to square one!” Osamu exclaims.

“Thanks ‘Samu, no really. That was my _one_ chance at getting him back and you blew it. You definitely blew it.”

“Fine, you really want to know?” Osamu taunts.

“Osamu, don’t. Please,” Suna begs.

“No, he really wants to know, Rin. So let’s just tell him, yeah?”

“Osamu stop it.”

At that, Osamu sighs and Atsumu drops his hands at his sides.

“Fine,” Osamu resigns and walks away from Atsumu.

Atsumu and Suna are left alone at the dinner table.

“Suna, tell me, please.”

“Atsumu, I wish I could. But I’ve seen what he has done to you,” Suna says. “So I can’t. I just can’t.” 

At that, Suna leaves and enters his and Osamu’s room.

Atsumu is left alone at the center of it all, left like a fool, like he has not learned a single thing. He walks down the hall and into his room, with fear in his mind, with curiosity pounding in his chest. He does not sleep at night, and wakes up to the news. Turns out, Osamu nor Suna does not have to tell him anything at all, since when he enters the gym, he is bombarded with such.

“Have you heard the announcement our coach made in the group chat?” Bokuto begins.

“What announcement?” He asks.

“Hinata’s returning! And he’s trying out for the MSBY Jackals!”

Atsumu blacks out and drops to the floor, emotionless. He hears his heart crack again, and again, and again, falling into pieces with no one to catch it, even if he promised they would. He hears his name being called over and over again, but he does not respond, he cannot. He sits there motionless until tears run down his cheeks. He stares at the shoes of his teammates growing worried and worried, one already asking for Osamu’s number, another already calling for the coach.

Atsumu sits there, a wreck of emotions, a fool most of all, and his teammates don’t know what else to do. Osamu skips work and runs to the gym and picks his brother up, who has not moved a single muscle until he hears his brother calling out his name again.

“‘Samu, did you hear?” Atsumu greets. “He’s coming home.”

“‘Tsumu let’s get you home.”

“No, come on we have to prepare for a reunion.”

“‘Tsumu please, let’s go home.”

Atsumu stops at his tracks and regains consciousness.

Osamu continues to pulls him out of the door, into the parking lot, into his car.

He felt good and now, just like Osamu has stated, he is back to square one.

◀☼◀

The days fly by, as the two struggle to get out of bed every single day. _Good mornings_ become frequent, _One more time_ escapes their lips more often than they want, _Stay_ is spelled with every touch and movement. The two wish to fill their remaining days with bliss, ignoring their impending yet inevitable end. Hinata drags Atsumu all around Sao Paulo, beyond the beach, beyond his apartment and Atsumu's hotel. He brings Atsumu to the pizza place he works at, to the pub he frequents before, to his friend Heitor's home where they spent their evening chatting and eating grilled meat. It is where Atsumu becomes _querido_ when Hinata refers to him and only when they walk back to the hotel did Atsumu learn what it meant.

" _Querido_?" Atsumu asks.

Hinata blushes. "Yes, you're _querido._ "

"Which means?"

Hinata looks at him and kisses his cheek. "My dear."

Atsumu nods and gulps, turning a bright shade of red. 

"It's no fair," Atsumu pouts. "I don't have a term of endearment for you."

"It's okay, you don't have to have one for me-"

" _Anata,_ " Atsumu interrupts like he had an epiphany. " _Anata._ "

Hinata stares at him and holds his hand tighter.

" _Querido._ "

" _Anata_."

On Atsumu's fifth day, they just spent the entire day playing beach volleyball, Atsumu eventually getting better and better. In the end, the brothers _did_ treat the two to dinner. The two went home to the hotel room, which has become their shared space for the time being. Atsumu doesn't mind, not when it's Hinata he falls asleep with, not when it's Hinata he wakes up with. As they get ready for bed, limbs tangled and sore, Atsumu asks Hinata.

"Hey," Atsumu begins. 

"Hmm?" Hinata responds with his eyes closed. 

"Would you like to go to Rio de Janeiro with me tomorrow?" 

Hinata opens his eyes slowly to meet an expectant Atsumu. He smiles.

"Of course, Atsumu."

"Have you been there?" Atsumu pulls Hinata closer to his chest.

Hinata ruffles his hair. "I actually haven't. I've always stayed in São Paulo."

"How come?"

"I don't know, I never felt the need to leave this place. I've always wondered though."

"Doesn't the curiosity kill you?" 

Hinata chuckles. "It does, but I've learned to live with it. I can't be reckless all the time." 

"Did you use it all up when you went to that training you weren't invited to?"

"Shut up, I did not!" Hinata pushes him away, laughing. "But I promised myself, my mother, and Natsu that I won't be as reckless here as I would be in Japan."

"Well," Atsumu starts. "Aren't you being reckless right now?"

"With what?" 

"With us."

Hinata looks up to Atsumu, searching for something in his brown hazel eyes.

"I'm afraid, that's true. But I don't think I'm being reckless."

"Really?"

"Well, 'cos tell me this, Atsumu," Hinata begins. "Is it still reckless if it feels right?" 

Atsumu stares back and grins. 

"I guess not."

Hinata hums and returns to place his head near Atsumu's chest.

"It'll be the first time we do something together for the first time," Hinata tells him. 

"We ought to make it special then."

At dawn, they board the bus to Rio de Janeiro after a quick shower. It's a six-hour and thirty-minute drive, but they didn't mind the duration at all, not when they could sit together with their hands intertwined. Three hours in, Hinata ends up falling asleep on Atsumu's shoulder, holding his hand tighter. _Come closer, closer._ Atsumu takes a nap a few hours after Hinata, leaning on Hinata's head. He remains intoxicated by Hinata's shampoo, continuously burying his face in Hinata's sunlight crown until the conductor announces that their journey is about to end. 

"Atsumu," Hinata whispers as Atsumu's head falls on Hinata's shoulder. "Wake up, we're here."

Atsumu groans but lifts his head up to see Hinata beaming at him.

"What?"

"Look outside."

Atsumu does and sees the city of Rio de Janeiro. It's a bit different from São Paulo, the buildings and architecture belonging to a previous century, with cobblestones for streets. He is in awe at the scene and pulls Hinata closer to the window for him to see. 

When they arrive at the bus stop, they quickly explore the area, reaching the downtown part until the market nearby. They take pictures of each other near lamp posts, near statues until Atsumu gets an idea.

"Why don't we go to Christ the Redeemer?" Atsumu suggests.

Hinata, like always, smiles brightly and nods.

They get into a cab and after half an hour of conversing with the driver about the city, the people, and the nightlife, they reach their destination.

At once, they pose in front of Christ the Redeemer, along with the other tourists around. Atsumu takes a selfie with Hinata, and Hinata surprises him by giving him a kiss on the cheek. They take another photo with Atsumu this time giving Hinata a kiss. Hinata pulls away from Atsumu suddenly and pulls out his phone.

"Come on, I want to take a picture of you."

Atsumu begins by copying the pose of the statue, with his arms spread out. Realizing the lunatic face he's been making, he begins to laugh, as Hinata continues to press the snapshot button. Hinata smiles at the genuine movements Atsumu makes. Atsumu, not realizing that Hinata still is taking pictures of him, turns around and looks at Christ the Redeemer. He admires the structure, amazed at the time and effort spent towards this. He considers how he's blessed to reach this point, to see this wonder, to be with Hinata while all of this is happening. 

Atsumu turns to Hinata and finds him beside him already, his phone still in his hand, with his mouth agape.

"Is there something wrong?" Atsumu asks.

"No!" Hinata exclaims. "Not at all."

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah," Hinata closes his eyes and smiles widely. "I'm glad I could do this with you."

Atsumu chuckles and offers his hand for Hinata to take. He does.

"I'm glad I'm here with you."

Hinata does not respond and just kisses Atsumu in the mouth.

They return to São Paulo in the evening, phones filled with images, tummies filled with delicacies, and hearts, yet again, filled until its brim with affection for each other.

_One more full day left_ , Atsumu thinks as he sinks into the sheets beside Hinata.

_And it's time to say goodbye._

▶☀▶

_"Hello? Atsumu?"_

Two words that make Atsumu tremble with fear, with longing, with emotions he has been bottling up ever since he stepped onto Hyogo's pavements.

_"Hello? Atsumu?"_

Two questions both asking for his existence. One asking for an answer, another asking for _his_ answer, both of which he is ready to give to the man on the other line but for some reason, could no longer fathom such martyrdom on his part. It has been going on for far too long. And Atsumu finally realizes what this fatigue means; he has grown tired of waiting for this call. It's too late.

_"Hello? Atsumu?"_

Atsumu gently puts down his mug. He aimlessly pressed the button on the telephone to start sifting through the calls he had missed, forgetting that Osamu told him not to. He expected calls from his coach, voice filled with worry, and his teammates, who begged him to come back, never thinking that Osamu must have lied and ended up not deleting the call. Atsumu is no longer angry at Osamu, understanding the severity of his circumstances. 

There's something shuffling on the other line until he begins again.

_"Hello? Atsumu? It's me."_

Atsumu pulls out the chair at the dining table and listens.

_"Hinata Shouyou."_

It's been a while since he heard that name since it has been spoken in hushed tones, in secrecy, passing through the lips of his teammates and family hoping that he wouldn't notice. He does, anyway, with the way the air shifts in the room. Still, he tries his best to smile, though people could see through his cracks. It will take a while, and damn it, he will try.

Hinata sighs. _"I'm sure I'm the last person you want to hear from."_

Atsumu shakes his head. _Your voice is the first thing I wanted to hear, but I just can't accept that the next time I'll hear you is after you have already left me._

Hinata continues. _"I just wanted to know,"_ He gulps. _"How are you doing?"_

Atsumu either wants to fling his mug towards the phone or he actually wants to call him back. He decided to tighten his grip on his mug's handle, settling to ease the fury building up within him.

“I'm doing perfectly fine _,_ ” Atsumu says through gritted teeth.

_"I hope you're d-doing alright,"_ Hinata stutters. He breathes heavily on the other line and Atsumu closes his eyes. He can feel it coming, and he shuts his eyes, imagining Hinata in front of him instead of just a voice on his telephone.

_"God, Atsumu, I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry for doing that to you."_

_Do what, Shouyou? Say it._

_"You didn't deserve that kind of treatment. You didn't deserve what I've done."_

_Why won't you say it?_

_"I'm sorry, Atsumu. I'm- I'm really sorry,"_ Hinata's voice begins to break.

_You promised, Shouyou. You promised you would._ Atsumu could feel tears pool at the corner of his eyes.

_"Not a day goes by where I don't regret missing that split second."_

_I gave you more than enough. I gave you so much and still, you left._

_"I know,"_ Hinata sobs. _"I know you won't forgive me, and I'll understand."_

_Stop saying you know everything,_ Atsumu wants to scream, but he buries his face into his hands.

Hinata hiccups. _"Atsumu, please, I'll apologize in person. I'm flying out tomorrow for Hyogo, August 23rd."_

It is already September 24th.

_"I, I need to see you, Atsumu."_

_I gave you the chance._

_"But I'll understand if you won't go. I'll be waiting,"_

_Just curse me, Shouyou. Don't give me more reason to miss you._

_"I'll tell you,"_ Hinata says steadily. _"I'll tell you."_

_I don't want to hear it. I don't. Not anymore._

Just as Hinata mentions the place he will be waiting for Atsumu in, there is shuffling at the door and the jingle of keys can be heard from the outside. The door unlocks, Osamu and Suna enter their home. Atsumu turns around, with bloodshot eyes. They were about to smile but saw the situation and heard Hinata's final words. They stand, motionless by the door as if their movement will break Atsumu further. It couldn't, this call was enough.

_"I'm sorry, Atsumu. I'm sorry."_

_Will you say 'goodbye'? Or will you say-_

_"I'll see you later."_

Then the phone clicks and the dial tone fills in the deafening silence in the living room.

Atsumu tries to even his breath and wipes his tears away as the two approach him from behind, and put their hands on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Atsumu tells Osamu. "For breaking my promise."

"I'm sorry for lying," Osamu replies. "I just didn't want him to hurt you twice." 

Atsumu laughs emptily. "I know, I know."

"I'd never let anyone do that to you 'Tsumu, no matter how much you piss me off."

Atsumu smiles and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. Suna offers him tissues at the side and rubs his back as he gets it from Suna. 

"Well," Suna gulps. "Are you going to do it?"

"Do what?" Atsumu asks.

"Meet him." 

Osamu winces and is about to blurt out his answer for Atsumu but Atsumu shakes his head.

"No, I won't."

"Are you sure?" Suna asks with wide eyes.

Atsumu sighs shakily. "Yeah, yeah. Plus it's almost October." 

"He's still here," Osamu whispers. "Since, uh- he's trying out-"

"Yeah, I know. I'll see him then," Atsumu cuts in. "I just couldn't see him now."

The two nod and sit beside Atsumu.

"So," Suna clears his throat. "You won't do anything stupid and sneak out of the house?"

Atsumu chuckles. "I'm all out of stupidity, Suna."

"I find that hard to imagine," Osamu blurts out. Suna snorts, and Atsumu resorts to punching his brother lightly on the shoulder.

"Cut me some slack, will you? I'm trying my best."

Osamu nods. _Yeah, I know,_ it meant to say, but he changes the subject instead.

"Are you hungry?" He asks and looks for something in the plastic bag he was carrying inside. "I made you some snacks back in the shop. Thought you needed something to cheer you up."

Atsumu grins and nods.

"Yeah, starving, actually."

Atsumu proceeds to fish out the onigiri from the bag. He has to be brave, Atsumu thinks. He has to be fine. He needs to tell him he's alright without having to lie, without having to die a little inside. And he thinks he can as he bites into his dinner and asks his brother about his day in the shop, and asks Suna about his own training in EJP Raijin. 

A month from now, he'll see him again. A month from now, he'll have to set for him. Until then, he will do what he thinks is best for him to cope, for him to pick up the pieces.

_[To delete this voice message, press two.]_

_[Voice message, deleted.]_

◀☼◀

The two listen to the waves crashing a few meters away from them, replacing the silence that rests between them. Atsumu has his head on Hinata’s lap and Hinata continuously brushes his fingers against Atsumu’s cheeks. 

“Atsumu, can I ask you something?” Hinata begins.

Atsumu looks up and meets his eyes. He nods.

“What made you go to Brazil?"

“Because I won a ticket in the supermarket.”

“Yeah, I know that, but why now? Why go through with it?”

Atsumu exhales shakily and Hinata catches it. He almost regrets asking it but Atsumu starts.

“There’s a man back home I don’t ever want to see again. He lingers in every space we’ve been in. It feels suffocating, how every time I go to places, he’s always there, his ghost never leaves me even if,” He chuckles. “He was the one who left me in the first place.”

  
  


_“I can’t love you anymore,” He once told Atsumu, in the very place he also called Atsumu his home._

_Dumbfounded, Atsumu grabs his hand. “Please, please tell me what I need to do.”_

_The man shakes his head. “You’re just too much.”_

_“Haruki, please-”_

_“Goodbye, Atsumu.” Haruki makes Atsumu let go of him and he exits the place as if he wasn’t the one who introduced this place to Atsumu a year ago, a place, he claimed, they will always come back to._

_“Goodbye, Atsumu.” He hears it when he’s alone when he’s in bed. He hears it everywhere, and he hates it. He hates how much it could hurt, how simple words can bring him to tears. No, Atsumu once thought, I will never give myself away just for them to say goodbye in the end._

  
  


“Atsumu?” Hinata calls him in the present.

Atsumu sighs and continues. “Brazil was new. It still is, but at least his traces can’t reach me here. Hyogo and Osaka have been tainted by him, and I just had to get away.”

Hinata reaches and brushes his knuckles against Atsumu’s temples. 

“And now, I don’t even want to leave,” Atsumu finally says.

Hinata reaches down and kisses his forehead.

“It’s weird,” Atsumu tells Hinata. “How I feel safer with you here in Brazil than in Hyogo.”

“Maybe you’ll always feel safer with me,” Hinata responds.

Atsumu smirks. “I know I will, but,” He stops.

“What is it?”

“Will you do me a favor?” Atsumu sits up on the bench as if he was about to change the subject, but he has a wish, a promise that remains unfulfilled, and maybe, just maybe, Hinata could fulfill it for him.

Hinata nods.

Atsumu inhales. “If I asked you to look back, will you?”

Hinata does not even take a second longer to reply. “I will.”

“What if I don't?”

“Don’t what?”

“Ask you to look back.”

Hinata huffs. “I'll still look back, Atsumu.”

“Will you promise that you won’t say goodbye?” Atsumu cuts in.

Hinata caresses his cheek. “I promise I won’t say goodbye.”

Atsumu nods and there’s that bubbling feeling of spontaneous courage, one that would make him say things without thinking twice.

“Shouyou I-”

Hinata’s grin falters and he reaches to his side to kiss Atsumu on the mouth. Atsumu melts into Hinata but opens his eyes to see Hinata’s very own eyes tightly shut. He recognizes this, something that he had already experienced before but was too prideful to acknowledge it. Fear, hesitance, these are nothing but proof that history repeats itself.

Atsumu knows what that is — an apology, a premonition for what’s to come, something he wasn’t prepared to accept. Still, he must. Still, he will follow through. Still, he will remain faithful to the what-ifs, could-have-beens, and words that are left unsaid. Still, a fool.

As they walk back to the hotel, no one says a word until Hinata bids him goodbye.

“You’re not staying for the night?” Atsumu asks, still hopeful.

“I would rather not see you pack,” Hinata sighs into a smile. “But I could bring you to the airport tomorrow.”

“Is that a promise?” Atsumu leans in.

Hinata gives him a peck. “Yes. I’ll see you later.”

He then walks away and Atsumu finally enters the hotel’s premises.

The next morning, they share a cab on their way to the airport, still holding hands. Hinata refuses to let him go, his fingers almost digging into the back of Atsumu’s hand. Atsumu could feel faint trembling.

“Hey,” He calls Hinata. “Are you okay?”

Hinata closes his eyes and nods. “I will be.”

He lets him go then.

At the entryway of the airport, they share a long and tight hug, never initiating the separation. Hinata rests his head on Atsumu’s chest and he almost feels like he could cry. Hinata lifts up his head.

“Keep in touch, okay?” Hinata asks.

“I will. I'll call you the first thing when I get home.”

“A-alright, yeah,” Hinata stutters. There it is again, Atsumu notes, the hesitation that he has always been afraid of. Atsumu’s heart beats faster and faster as he realizes the end is near and that Hinata, in the end, might not commit to their promise.

Amidst all, he decides to be reckless for one last time.

“Shouyou, what if you come home with me?”

“What?” Hinata exclaims.

“Come home to Japan,” Atsumu gulps. “With me.”

“But it’s not yet my time to go home.” 

Atsumu releases his breath and utters words he never wanted to say.

“Then it ends here.”

Hinata widens his eyes but quickly smiles, hiding whatever it is that lies beyond his irises. Hinata reaches up and kisses Atsumu at the corner of his mouth.

“I’ll come to you.”

“When?” Atsumu whispers back.

Hinata exhales and separates himself from Atsumu, leaving the other unanswered.

After Hinata takes a few more steps away from Atsumu, Atsumu was about to tell him to look back, to not forget their promise, but he remembers the fear in Hinata’s eyes and sees his tightly closed fists as he walks away. 

Hinata, Atsumu concludes, is unsure of what is happening, is unsure whether to commit to this. 

Atsumu’s mind runs back to the memories he tried to bury, looks that he never gave any meaning when he was with someone else. Hesitation scares Atsumu, it always did and it will always be like that. So he silently prays that Hinata remembers, that Hinata is unlike him, that Hinata will look back, unlike the other who turned his back against Atsumu completely.

As he watches Hinata walk past the forming crowd in the departure area, his phone begins to ring. After the third ring, he decides to answer. It is Osamu.

“Hey, are you already at the airport?” The other asks while there is some rustling in the background. He must still be in the shop.

“Y-yeah,” Atsumu manages.

“Are you alright?” Osamu instantly picks up.

“He’s not looking back, ‘Samu,” Atsumu says, trying to stop the tears.

There’s silence on the other line. Osamu understands.

“‘Tsumu,” Osamu calls out. “‘Tsumu, he’s not-”

“I know he’s not him, but he promised on the beach yesterday.” 

Atsumu does not mind his twin on the phone pleading him to stop digging into old wounds and bruises this trip was supposed to resolve.

“‘Tsumu, Hinata must have had his reasons.”

“I know,” Atsumu sniffs. “But why would he promise me?”

Silence.

“‘Tsumu just come home.”

Atsumu looks up and searches the crowd for the sunshine crown he has buried his face in multiple times. He spots it, like a small speck of dust amidst the black, brown, and grey.

He ignores his brother. “Look back, look back, just look back. Shouyou, please.”

“‘Tsumu.”

“Just one glance, it’s more than enough please.” _Please be different from him. Please._

“Atsumu.”

“Look back, please,” Atsumu says in between sniffs. He can hear his brother’s shuddered breath on the line.

“‘Tsumu,” _I’m sorry._ “Your flight,” Osamu whispers.

Atsumu sighs and watches Hinata’s hair disappear among the people who started gathering at the entrance. He turns his back, finally, facing the departure area.

“Yeah,” Atsumu clears his throat. “Yeah, I’ll come home.”

Atsumu drags his luggage into the building, walking aimlessly, having lost another promise. He will never forgive himself for being such a complete lunatic for believing in the seemingly possible.

_He never looked back. I should have known,_ Atsumu thinks. _Goodbye, see you later, it means the same damn thing, Shouyou._

His back faces the crowd, faces the numerous people leaving their friends, loved ones, persons. It faces the short and long goodbyes, the short and long embraces. It faces one’s desperation, spelled by his frantic movements to get through the crowd. 

Hinata struggles as he runs past the people, the hindrances to the promise he made. But he realizes that he was too late, a split-second late for him to look back, to prove that he is different from the rest. Hinata watches Atsumu line up for his flight, and he drops to his knees.

▶☀▶

Atsumu picks up his jersey lying on his bed. He places it back and smoothes out the creases. He strips off his shirt, stopping midway.

_"Miya!" Hinata exclaims. "Miya Atsumu!"_

He sighs and removes his shirt completely, proceeding to wear the MSBY jersey. He checks the fit as he examines himself in the mirror. He grabs the gel by the bedside table and scoops an ample amount.

_"Ah, dinner sounds great, Miya-san." Hinata finally responds with a smile._

After one last stroke, he is satisfied. He gives his table calendar a glance and sees the note under the date today. _MSBY Tryouts,_ it said. Atsumu pulls out from the closet his team jacket, taking his time as he inserts his arm into one sleeve, continuing with the other side.

_"I guess you'll get to do what you promised me back then!"_

He stops zipping up his jacket. He shakes the thought out of his head, the possible excitement building up. Atsumu picks up his training bag at the foot of his bed and leaves his room. He stops by the mirror just outside the door and tries to form a smile.

_“I think I’m soulmates with someone else.”_

He doesn’t and settles for a smirk. It’s okay, Atsumu tells himself. Only time will tell when he’ll truly get over what had happened. He grabs a packed sandwich on the table and bids Osamu and Suna goodbye. They wish him good luck. He nods and leaves the house.

As he reaches the subway, he leans against the metal pillars while waiting for the train to arrive. He shuffles through his bag and reaches for his phone and earphones. He puts it on shuffle and closes his eyes.

_“Is that why you kissed me? Because I’ve got something on my eyelashes?”_

The train arrives a minute after and he plops down on the available seat. He rests his head back on the plastic window, feeling the vibrations brought about by movement.

_“Idiot, Atsumu,” Hinata sings, putting every emphasis on the word ‘idiot’. He leans into his ear, “Do it again.”_

He can feel people walking by, riding, and getting off the train. Atsumu could sense the shift of weight from the people beside him. He listens to the announcements of the train this time, pretending that he has not heard a thousand times before. He listens to it, for it remains kinder than the memories that continue to resurface.

_Hinata kisses his forehead. “I don’t plan on going anywhere.”_

He tightens his grip on the handle of his bag. He opens his eyes and looks up at the fluorescent light, almost blinding him. He looks down and watches the train go to the next station. He chooses another song, something Osamu recommended weeks ago. He chuckles at the memory. 

The train finally arrives at his stop and he alights the train. He quickly shuffles through the forming sea of people and exits the station, moving to the small streets that serve as shortcuts to the MSBY gym and headquarters.

_"Well, 'cos tell me this, Atsumu," Hinata begins. "Is it still reckless if it feels right?"_

He walks with his hands in his pockets, watching his feet move forward despite not looking at where he is going. He trusts his instincts this time, deciding that it’s better to be careful than to be reckless and sorry. He knows how that already goes and he does _not_ want to try that ever again.

_Hinata closes his eyes and smiles widely. "I'm glad I could do this with you."_

Atsumu can already see the building from where he is standing and continues to walk forward. He enters the premises, greets the kind receptionist, and hurries toward the locker room where he says hi to Bokuto who takes note of his optimism. He chuckles it off and prepares for the day. He starts putting items into his locker, already counting down the hours left before he can go home.

_“Maybe you’ll always feel safer with me,” Hinata responds._

He laughs by himself, suppressing his lips with the back of his hand. He shakes his head. _How absurd,_ Atsumu tells the memory. _How cruel and absurd of you, Shouyou._

_Hinata caresses his cheek. “I promise I won’t say goodbye.”_

He returns to removing his jacket and putting it in his training bag. Atsumu then accidentally slams his locker shut, earning a surprised stare from his teammates. He apologizes and walks towards the gym. As he reaches for the handle of the gym entrance, he stops. He breathes in slowly, and exhales heavily, preparing for what is to come, for what he is about to see.

_"Not a day goes by where I don't regret missing that split second."_

He has run away from it for a long time now, and so Atsumu braves through it. He twists the knob open and pushes the door forward.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and I hope to see you all again on or before july ! (: and before I go, I'd like to thank [Pan](https://twitter.com/clubmidol), for beta-reading and dealing with my endless atshn rambles. Love you, mwa.  
>   
>   
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/inflamist)


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